I got two dreams that seem to always be at odds with one another. There is the dream that wants me to travel the world, be active in national movements and facilitate workshops and write books. The other wants the love of family to keep a humble private practice, to do my art quietly in the woods and go on yummy vacations to warm places. These two roads, offer very different thrills, possibilities, legacies and I stand at the fork in the road frozen in indecision and horrified I’m going to get it wrong. Moving to this sleepy little town leans in the direction of the humble servant. The server of people, the anchored, and rooted. No fame or glory but safety and community. But I can never lean to far into this dream because I also long for the life of a world changer, a pioneer, a legacy maker! I want to live big and in brightly colored brush strokes. I want to eat life like a mango and revel in its juiciness! Full spirit, game on. Oy!
And in the indecision there is just anxiety, fear, and distraction. It’s like listening to 2 amazing songs at once. Like the Beatles “Here come the sun” over Bob Marley’s “3 little birds”.
*Taking a breathe*
I’m reminded of something I told a friend last week. It’s a win no matter what. There is some solace in this. I’m basically choosing which great life to have and to tell you the truth nothing in my life has ever gone as planned. It goes the question for me, as I sit in the cozy silence of my little apartment bound by snow and small town dreamings what is the next step forward in my evolution? Maybe that is the real question. How do I become a more whole me. Maybe if i lean into that the road a third road will appear that creates a bridge between two melodies. A cosmic mash up that is in perfect harmony with me.